Sep 24, 2011

Connected Feelings

There are only 3 more days that our relatives can stay with Hajime. 2 weeks go by very quickly. Hajime seems sad thinking about the day that they are going back to Japan.

Today we talked with the nurse about now on. Various things within our conversation made me more anxious and I couldn’t stay around Hajime that much today. Because I start crying when I see him.

Hajime wants to be with me but…I’m such a bad mother.

But I followed through with the trach exchange. It was my turn today so I was nervous but I gave my effort. I think Hajime was doing better than last week. But his heart rate was fast even after and he seemed like he was having a tough time. After all, exchanging the tube is hard on him physically and mentally.

Late at night, Steve came again. He showed us the drawing he drew for Hajime.
Today’s drawing was this.

We are so grateful of Steve who does all these things for Hajime out of love.
Thank you so much!

Hajime looked sad when he was leaving.
He looked like he was trying to hold it back, but tears were still falling.
And he seemed angry at himself that he couldn’t move.

When I see Hajime like that, I understand what he feels immediately and I feel helpless.

When Hajime wants me to put out my hand, he gently puts out his foot to me. And when all I could do is just hold his foot and look at him, I feel so powerless.

Translated by CS

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