My wish was that, "As we hold onto hope for a day to call an important tomorrow, the remaining time that we have together shall be peaceful as can be"
Nov 20, 2012
A Frightening Hour
This is what happened last Friday.
When I was changing Hajime's diaper sometime past noon, the alarm on the respirator went off and so I immediately started suctioning. I pressed the cancel alarm button many times but it didn't turn off. (When the tidal volume is really low, you can't turn off the alarm). The tidal volume stayed at around 200ml. I suctioned several times. I tapped his lungs to help him get rid of the secretion in his lungs, but even then, the volume would only get up to about 360ml. When I asked Hajime, "Are you having trouble breathing?" he was crying and said yes.
When I checked the oxygen saturation, it was about 93 degrees. With him not getting enough oxygen and the tidal volume not increasing, I did everything I could in such an emergency. And still his breathing did not go back to normal right away.
I rushed to call my husband. I kept calling for over thirty minutes because he was out picking up our children right then and didn't hear his phone. So I gave up and waited until about 1:20 when he came home from picking them up.
I couldn't do anything except watch Hajime cry and complain about how he couldn't breathe. That was an extremely scary feeling. And the number just kept going down. Holding back my tears, I just kept thinking, "What will I do if Hajime died right now?" so when my husband came home, I burst out crying and crying. I was scared being alone...I was very scared...I thought, "I'm so happy he made it!"
Mint was worried about me, so he never left my side. Dogs are gentle, aren't they? They understand their owners' feelings. What a help he was to me.
It truly was a frightening experience. Ever since that time, I have not stopped thinking about death. I have been thinking about how I should handle such a situation in the future. What should I do about those things that I couldn't do by myself that day? In my dreams, I even see images of the moments right before he dies and I see myself giving up. But just when I'm praying over and over "I hope this is a dream!" I wake up.
Something changed inside me since this experience on Friday. In a bad way. All of this was traumatic for me and I am very scared. It is a feeling that only someone who has gone through this can understand.