Is This Too Hard?

It has been two weeks since Hajime was discharged from the hospital. None of the palliative care people came expect for a nurse came by the day after he was discharged for an initial evaluation.

But today, finally the “once-a-week” nurse came to check-up on Hajime. The reduced amount and still dark colored urine worried us, but his vital signs seem to be very good and stable.

However, this morning while I was changing the tracheostomy gauze, it was a pale green color. One of the bacteria which had been residing for a very long time always shows up whenever the infection comes back. I am thinking it's back again. While the antibiotic is working, Hajime's stool becomes loose, but when the antibiotic loses its effect, he experiences constipation and his secretions go back to being a green color. Thinking that it will be like this again this time for Hajime, my heart sinks.

Last night, while talking to Hajime, I asked him, “Is this too hard?” Then he replied “No.” But his face turned deep red and the tears came pouring out of his eyes. I could not watch his tears without tearing up myself. I cried hard but quietly by the head of his bed where Hajime cannot see me. It must be extremely difficult for Hajime, but he tries to hide his feelings.... Hajime was unable to express so many of his painful, fearful, and intensely painful experiences while he was at the hospital, including three dangerous situations. It must be an unbearable experience for anybody, but... Hajime tolerates somehow….

Hajime's little sister, Yuki, tries her best to encourage her brother, by putting her own cheek to his cheek, showing off her Mini-Mouse's head band, getting Mint up from sleep so he can see him. Hajime expressed his happiness by letting tears run down his cheeks.

My middle son, Ryo, is so worried that he is breaking his heart over his brother's condition. I try my best to listen to him, … but it is not enough for him. I am hoping that Ryo's pain in his heart will be directed more towards God.

(traslated by JK)