Oct 9, 2013

Feeling So Sad

Hajime yesterday had blood mixed in his urine which made me become worried about him, but it had returned to normal color today. It's different depending on the day. Since he uses a Foley catheter, it causes him to be more susceptible to infection. I'm concerned that it may be a result of infection this time also.

Aside from this, I've recently been noticing some smell from Hajime's tracheostomy site. The trach gauze itself also has some greenish discharge. Hajime's infection always begins like this, and I'm so worried.

Too many worries….

I have been strangely sad for several days. It is mortifying.
I cry in the background (away behind the head of the bed), whenever I watch Hajime's face with his eyes so motionless.

I have a vivid memory of Hajime when he was healthy. Then I tend to compare Hajime then and Hajime now. "Why did such a thing happen to Hajime?" And I become frustrated.
"He was perfectly healthy..." And I become sad.

I appear to be doing fine in public, but...

In truth, I try hard not to think too much. If I don't try to think about it, I end up crying everyday, and I can't be crying everyday, right?

Recently, I had not been able to talk to anyone about many of my concerns and also had not been able to go out since Hajime's recent hospitalization, this all has been making me feel more depressed.

(translated by JK)


  1. What happened to you rson in the end?

  2. I am in your community but haven't heard anything lately. I just want you to know that I think of you....so many people do and I pray for you to have strength and peace. You have guided Hajime's journey every step of the way and he will always be your precious boy. There are things in life we can't have answers to and this would certainly be one of them. What an inspiration Hajime has been to so many and so many of his friends and classmates experienced compassion and received his love and gratitude. God bless you.