My wish was that, "As we hold onto hope for a day to call an important tomorrow, the remaining time that we have together shall be peaceful as can be"
Oct 9, 2013
Feeling So Sad
Hajime yesterday had blood mixed in his urine which made me become worried about him, but it had returned to normal color today. It's different depending on the day. Since he uses a Foley catheter, it causes him to be more susceptible to infection. I'm concerned that it may be a result of infection this time also. Aside from this, I've recently been noticing some smell from Hajime's tracheostomy site. The trach gauze itself also has some greenish discharge. Hajime's infection always begins like this, and I'm so worried.
Too many worries….
I have been strangely sad for several days. It is mortifying. I cry in the background (away behind the head of the bed), whenever I watch Hajime's face with his eyes so motionless.
I have a vivid memory of Hajime when he was healthy. Then I tend to compare Hajime then and Hajime now. "Why did such a thing happen to Hajime?" And I become frustrated. "He was perfectly healthy..." And I become sad. I appear to be doing fine in public, but... In truth, I try hard not to think too much. If I don't try to think about it, I end up crying everyday, and I can't be crying everyday, right?
Recently, I had not been able to talk to anyone about many of my concerns and also had not been able to go out since Hajime's recent hospitalization, this all has been making me feel more depressed.