My wish was that, "As we hold onto hope for a day to call an important tomorrow, the remaining time that we have together shall be peaceful as can be"
Mar 9, 2013
Hajime has been very stable lately.
But I am a little concerned that his secretion is becoming green again and that it is increasing.
Something sad happened today.
The caregiver nurse suddenly couldn't come today, so I spent the day alone with him. About 10:30, the church pastor, who Hajime had been wanting to see for a long time, came to visit.
Hajime looked so happy. It was good that he was able to come.
After his visit, Hajime said that he wanted to watch Yamato so he did. When he was finished, I asked him what he wanted to watch next. He said he wanted to watch YouTube on the Xbox.
I started to input Hajime's letters in the search window, as I always do.
Then, the following words appeared.
I want to give up now...
These words made me very sad. Hajime thinks that there is nothing good about being alive and I cried. I told Hajime that seeing Mom, Dad, Ryo, and Yuki should make him happy.
I am a Christian so it may be strange for me to say this. If a son wanted to go to heaven now, is there any parent who could let him? I tried desperately to change his mind. That may be the opposite of what he wanted, but I absolutely rejected that.
At the beginning, he was adamant about giving up, but after we talked and cried together many times, he agreed not to give up.
I am pitiful. It is my fault. I am the one who made him feel that there is no good in living. I am trying not to make him feel that way, but it is no use if I am trying alone. I need to ask Hajime how we can make things more fun for him.
Hajime took some Ativan and calmed down. Later this afternoon, Mary will visit. I, too, must calm myself.