Mar 9, 2013

Unthinkable Words

Hajime has been very stable lately.
But I am a little concerned that his secretion is becoming green again and that it is increasing.

Something sad happened today.

The caregiver nurse suddenly couldn't come today, so I spent the day alone with him.  About 10:30, the church pastor, who Hajime had been wanting to see for a long time, came to visit.

Hajime looked so happy.  It was good that he was able to come.

After his visit, Hajime said that he wanted to watch Yamato so he did.  When he was finished,  I asked him what he wanted to watch next.  He said he wanted to watch YouTube on the Xbox.

I started to input Hajime's letters in the search window, as I always do.

Then, the following words appeared.

I want to give up now...

These words made me very sad.
Hajime thinks that there is nothing good about being alive and I cried.
I told Hajime that seeing Mom, Dad, Ryo, and Yuki should make him happy.

I am a Christian so it may be strange for me to say this.  If a son wanted to go to heaven now, is there any parent who could let him?  I tried desperately to change his mind.  That may be the opposite of what he wanted, but I absolutely rejected that.

At the beginning, he was adamant about giving up, but after we talked and cried together many times, he agreed not to give up.

I am pitiful.  It is my fault.  I am the one who made him feel that there is no good in living.
I am trying not to make him feel that way, but it is no use if I am trying alone.  I need to ask Hajime how we can make things more fun for him.

Hajime took some Ativan and calmed down.
Later this afternoon, Mary will visit.
I, too, must calm myself.

(translated by MS)

1 comment:

  1. Hozue, this is Pastor Adiel DePano, Lead Pastor of FUMC of Pasadena. I've been wanting to visit Hajime and your family. For now, allow me to share the piece below --

    Hey God ... can we talk?

    I look around when I'm in a department store or while I'm buying groceries, sometimes even when I'm stuck in traffic. What do I see? A mixture of people, diverse personalities, all with individual cares and concerns, hopes and desires, experiences and emotions. And I marvel that mankind has made it this far. I don't mean to be negative, but there's a lot going on in this world.

    God, I wish we could all get along. I wish we could just mind our own business and stay out of other people's stuff. There's so much to accomplish, but we are not making much progress.

    Lord, help us to know why that is.

    Every few minutes, a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer. Maybe that woman is a single mother responsible for three children. What will happen to her? Why haven't we found a cure for this monster?

    Lord, help us to find a cure.

    Heart disease takes the life out of men and women in more numbers each day. You have given us brilliant minds to work toward ending the suffering and helping each other through the pain.

    Lord, guide us in finding ways to care for each other.

    Instead of putting all of our ideas together for the common good, we make war on each other, we exact vengeance for perceived wrongs. We expect to receive forgiveness from You, even when we are unable to give it to those who do us ill. God, we both know this is twisted thinking.

    Help us, please ... all of us in the world — to stop hating each other long enough to realize that we are our own worst enemy. Help us to remember the kind words of those sent to us through the ages to guide us: those good people who tried so hard to show us how to love.

    We know that life is your gift to us and how we live life is our gift to you. Empower us with tools for successful living: creativity, wisdom, kindness, strength, peace, joy, love and faith that things will be okay.

    Help us to remember to be mindful of the needs of others and remind us that only through loving interaction with each other can there ever be a better, more lovable world.

    Thank you for listening. Amen.

    Cappy Hall Rearick - October, 2012