I want…

Today was a very hard, hard day for Hajime.
 
Because the nurse would come in every hour at night, he couldn’t sleep,
 but his wound gave him too much pain so he needed to get his pain medication.
He might have been very tired too.
 
In the morning there was an examination by the doctor and we were shown his x-ray.
The condition of his lungs change every time the x-ray is taken and
we could see that it’s gotten much better.
 
The care in the ICU is inconsistent.
The way they care for Hajime is totally different depending on the nurse.
It’s so bad that I wonder if I can just ask to have the nurse skip him.
A nurse helps him to roll over, but there are some that do it in a very rough way,
so much so that the pain in his wound gets to the peak.
 
The nurse that came today was the nurse that Hajime hates.
Though, the nurse from yesterday was very nice,
and was even considerate towards his emotional well being.  
The difference between them may have been too big.
 
When they roll him over or make beds, there is always a male nurse that helps,
but they do it depending on their strength only.
Because of the way they do this, it seemed to hurt him a lot today.
Even though it has only been a day since the surgery with tremendous amount of pain from it.
 
He was finally gradually getting better and recovering,
but coming to this point his condition took a drastic change and we were very worried.
 
And when he received one of the breathing treatments, he coughed profusely.
The lack of sleep, exhaustion and the great pain he has…
he must have fallen to the pit of pits, these words came out of him.
 
I want die……….
 
At first, I didn’t understand what he was saying.
Hajime showed us by gesturing; shooting himself with a gun and stabbing himself in the heart.
I was shocked when I had realized what he was trying to say.
 
Until now, he has been saying such things as he’s scared to die,
but I didn’t think it would reverse into “I want to die”….
 
Hajime had so much tears flowing out.
 
I told him, “No you have to live much much more.”
 
Hajime shook his head no to that.
It was sad……
Truly sad………
But at where he is in his disease, I though it can’t be helped.
My husband and I couldn’t stop crying at Hajime’s bed side.
We felt so sorry for him, so sorry for him.
 
Please pray, for his feelings, for him to get better.
 
 
Translated by Christine Shirota