Changes in My Family

How our family has been recently...

It's been a year since Hajime could no longer walk.
Now his life is confined to his bed, and the mood and the state of our family are changing little by little.
And, of course, Hajime's brother and sister's reactions toward Hajime are also changing.

My heart aches when I think about these things.
Why is that?

Because although Hajime is in the same house with everyone, the family seems very distant to him.  If he is in the hospital, everyone will come visit him and stand around his bed...but at home,  everyone is not going to be around his bed all the time.
How lonely he must feel...How miserable he must be.

Now, my children never come around their big brother.
When we had a blackout the other day, everyone worried and gathered around Hajime, but usually, they don't even talk to him.  I don't know if it's because they're reassured that he's OK.  Hajime's responses have become so weak that they don't know what to talk about with him.  But Yuki is not thinking that much.  Little brother Ryo is going to start counseling again.
The first topic will be what to talk about with his big brother.

Another factor in all this is that a nurse is always around Hajime.  I think they feel a little shy because she is not a member of the family.
This is especially true for Yuki.

Even if she is a caregiver, it is very difficult to have a stranger in the house. We are a little uncomfortable about that, much more than other people are, so it is hard for us.   But a year has passed since we had to go back and forth to the hospital, so we are fairly used to it now.

These past few days,  Hajime will often spend the whole day doing nothing (not even watch TV).  His eyes are open so he is not sleeping.  I think he just does not feel like doing anything.
He may be giving up on a lot of things.

I take my children out, because it is summer vacation, but I think Hajime really wants to join us.
It seems like he's saying, "I want to go too!"
But, unfortunately, we don't have a wheelchair-accessible van, so the reality is that we can't just say,"OK, let's go!"
I need to think about getting that kind of car.

Ahhhh,  as I think about these things, I get frustrated.  I wonder, "Why can't I do more for him?"

I'm also getting depressed recently.  I can't do anything. I don't feel like doing anything.
I'm making an effort to go out.  I'm picking myself up and trying my best.
I'm just thinking and going around in circles in my head, and I can't even make much conversation with people.
I've become hard of hearing and I'm can't feel as much as before.
I had been trying not to let my family see me feeling sad but then...I just naturally ended up suppressing and hiding all kinds of feelings.
A person's heart is very delicate, isn't it?
I'm not a good mother.  I'm no good...People who are taking care of others might be able to understand my feelings.

Hang in there, Mom!  Hang in there, Hozue!
I'll try my best to get better.


(translated by MS)