Hajime, One Year Ago

Lately, when I have let myself give in to my feelings, I have not been able to hold back the flood of tears. I guess my mind is always filled with anxiety, fears, and worries. That is why I have not been able to think about anything else, and I feel like I am in a fog. But there are days when I am tired, and I come back to reality and cry and cry. These past few days, I have felt so sad that I almost can't breathe.

I am trying my best to be strong for Hajime and to look happy for him but I am human and sometimes I just have to cry. But Hajime will look at me as if to give me a warm hug. He really is a sweet child.

I have to try my best today too! For Hajime, for my family, for myself.....

As for Hajime's condition, it seems that his impatience with himself in not being able to stretch or bend his legs is making him frustrated. He often lets us know with his "call light" that he wants to bend his legs or stretch his legs, but now that he cannot move his legs like he wants to, he is even sadder than when he could no longer move his hands. Almost every day, he is challenging himself to play games, but it seems he is frustrated because he cannot push the buttons well.

Last night and tonight, the church youth group is putting on a dinner concert, Cabaret. Hajime's younger brother, Ryo, is in it, but one year ago, Hajime was in it too.

He was singing with so much life, like this. I told Hajime last night, "You know, Ryo went to Cabaret". He looked very sad. He "told" me, "I wanted to sing too!". When he sang last year, he was close to being unable to sing anymore, but even then he told me, "I want to sing a solo!" I wanted to let him sing.

When I look now at how Hajime's condition has progressed since then, I cannot stop crying and I feel really sad. But Hajime believes, "I am going to get better", so I have told him that he will be able to sing again one day. We have to hang in there! And I want to continue to watch over him.


(translated by MS)