Dark road

Last night, Hajime and I had a conversation up on the patio.

It’s been a while since we last talked….well, our talk consists of Hajime using his iPad.
Hajime is always smiling and has a very peaceful expression.
But inside his heart, he is walking a very dark road.

The saddest thing right now is that he can’t eat.
Of course it is, he sits next to his family having meals and he tries
not to see us.
Inside he really wants to eat a lot.


My husband took my son to grocery shopping for mother’s day, but Hajime did not want to go.
It’s because he didn’t want to be there when he can’t eat any food. That was the reason.

It dawned on me then. I thought, because he’s so calm we are being spoiled by his calmness.
I thought, Hajime is always groping, feeling his way and walking through this dark road and tears started to fall.

So I asked the opposite, what do you enjoy the most?

What do you enjoy? “I don’t know”, that’s the answer that I got.
When I asked him,

“What about going out with your friends?”
“There are lots of things that I can’t do, but I really don’t like people seeing me drooling.”
That’s what he said.

Lately, he does have a lot of saliva, strangers that do not know Hajime has a startled look when they see him like that. Those stares, I assume, are what’s hurting his heart.

Right now, he can’t even feel the happiness of living…

Something to bring him happiness, could I find such a thing for him?
So a mother gives thought.

Translated by Christine Shirota.